


Feelings of a Normal Kind

by MightyGlowCloud



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Canon Dialogue, Dialogue Heavy, Episode: e015 Patient #11-A-7 (Caleb), Episode: e039 Safe House Part I, Episode: e040 Safe House Part II, Explaining emotions through colours is valid, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Be More Chill, Inspired by Music, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 08:31:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18546100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MightyGlowCloud/pseuds/MightyGlowCloud
Summary: It's Be More Chill, except it's The Bright Sessions boys!AKA, Caleb and Adam learn to be more chill.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wack, is this a fic? Less than a year after the last one???  
> You heard it here first, folks! I'm working on my writer's block by listening to way too many things and I think I caught feelings, and now have too many ideas.
> 
> Warnings for violence, panic attacks, (canonical) mentions of suicide. Please be safe y'all, and consider your triggers.
> 
> Also, I do not own The Bright Sessions or Be More Chill, I just love them a lot - please don't sue me!  
> I'd also like to apologise for any mistakes in the writing. I've gone over it with a fine-toothed comb, but my American-English writing isn't great (seriously, why don't they use VOWELS?!? - I'm kidding, mostly.)

**_And there are voices all around_ **

**_And you can never mute the sound_ **

**_They scream and shout_ **

**_I’ll tune ‘em out_ **

**_And make up my own mind_ **

**_Might still have voices in my head_ **

**_But now, they’re just the normal kind_ **

**_…_ **

When Caleb first started feeling the emotions of those around him, he couldn’t think. He could hardly breathe. He didn’t know where he started and where everyone else started drowning him.

He didn’t feel real.

But then something happened. _Somebody_ happened. One person in a crowd of thousands that didn’t make him feel like he was drowning. A safe island to rest on, maybe.

Except Adam also felt like he was drowning, and Caleb didn’t know how to help – how to read the emotions for what they were and just _help_. If anyone needed to be helped, to be able to breathe, it was Adam. Of that, Caleb was sure.

So Caleb tried. And together they started learning how to breathe.

**_…_ **

**_And there are voices in my ear_ **

**_I guess these never disappear_ **

**_I’ll let ‘em squeal and I will deal_ **

**_And make up my own mind_ **

**_Might still have voices in my head_ **

**_But now, they’re just the normal kind_ **

**_…_ **

No one would look him in the eye. Adam was scared, and it was his fault. He was supposed to use his powers to help, and now-

“Caleb, calm down, it’s gonna be-“ Adam reached out his hand to him, trying to comfort him.

“No, don’t touch me! I’m- no, god, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Caleb pulled away, retreated as far as he could. Adam was scared. A sickly yellow color washed over him in waves, drowning him. Caleb couldn’t breathe. The only sound was his own heartbeat thudding in his ears.

Somebody pulled him out of the room.

_**…** _

_**And there are voices in my head** _

_**So many voices in my head** _

_**And they can yell and hurt like hell** _

_**But I know that I’ll be fine** _

_**I still have voices in my head** _

_**Yeah, there are voices in my head** _

_**Of the voices in my head** _

_**The loudest one is mine** _

_**Loudest one is mine** _

_**…** _

Caleb was sitting against the wall with his knees pulled to his chest, arms wrapped around them, his face pressed into his kneecaps. He was trying to focus on his breathing.

“Caleb? Are you- how you doing?”

“Is he gonna be okay?”

“I don’t know.” Adam dropped down beside him, keeping a small amount of distance between them. Caleb felt green beginning to creep around him, offering a small amount of comfort. The sickly yellow from earlier felt contained, controlled. He hated himself for feeling better.

“Jesus, Caleb, your hands- we need to get you bandages or something-“

“No, just- leave it, please.” His hands throbbed, but all Caleb could think was ‘ _Good- I deserve this._ ’

“Okay. We don’t have to do it right now.” There was silence between them for several agonizing seconds.

“Why are you here?”

“I wanted to check on you.”

“No, I mean- why are you here? Why haven’t you left?”

_Please just leave. I don’t want you to be scared of me. I can’t-_

“What do you mean? I know I’m not an atypical, but I’m a part of this. I mean, I’m the reason that you- just. I’m a part of this.”

“Why didn’t you run the other way the moment- I mean, you saw what I did. Why would you- how could you still want to be around me after that?”

“Caleb, I love you.” Caleb felt a warm red burst from Adam like a supernova, but the color started to leech from the feeling, bringing back the yellow again.

“How? I almost killed somebody- I mean, I might have killed somebody. We have no idea if he’s- I mean, he’s out there, covered in bruises that I put on him and he-“

_Fuck._ He was drowning again. His vision started blurring around him as he tried to keep his head above the tidal waves crashing into him. He felt nothing, nothing but yellow making him sick to his stomach.

“Shh, shh, it’s going to be okay. Dr. Bright is going to figure something out.” Caleb hadn’t realized how badly he was shaking until Adam wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him in tight against his chest.

“I didn’t mean to, you have to know I didn’t mean to-“

_But I did, and now somebody’s hurt because of me – AGAIN._

“I know you didn’t-“

“He was going to hurt you and- and- and Mark and Sam and Frank were so angry and I don’t get- I don’t get how they can control it, how they keep that kind of anger in. I- I felt like it was controlling me and I just- I lost it.” The panic had really started in. His breath was hardly coming between his sobs, and the tears streaming down felt like they were burning hot channels across his face.

“Shh, I know, babe, I know.”

“I think I broke one of my fingers. I mean- I- I felt something crack. On my hand,” He felt a wave a concern from Adam pulling him back under, washing away the yellow for a moment, “And I hit him hard- I hit him so hard and I kept on hitting him, why didn’t anyone pull me off? Why- why didn’t anyone stop me?” He pulled tighter around himself, ignoring the pain that lanced up his hand.

“We tried. You were- I’ve- I’ve never seen you like that.”

“Oh god.” Caleb started pulling away from Adam, the yellow getting caught in his throat like bile, getting stuck with the sob that was already lodged there.

_This is it. He’s gonna walk away and hate me forever._

“It wasn’t you, Caleb. It was your ability – like you said, other people’s anger, taking over you and taking control-“

“But I am my ability! And the anger, some of it was mine. And in that moment- in- in that moment, I just wanted to hurt him. He was gonna hurt you and so I wanted to hurt him and I did and now he won’t wake up and what if I do it again? What if I do it again?!? I thought I had it under control, but I don’t, what if I never get it under control?”

“You will-“ Adam tried to pull him back into a hug. Yellow was once again washed over with a concerned purple. It was **Adam** , trying to hold him afloat.

“How can you know? Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

“What?”

“You saw me go completely- you watched me beat a guy into the ground. And I know he’s not, like, our favorite guy, but that’s- that’s not an excuse- it’s- it’s not okay. Why are you sitting here with me? Why don’t you think I’m a monster? Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Because you could never hurt me.”

“No offense, Adam, but I’m much bigger than you. I know you’re scrappy but-“

“No, I mean _you_ , Caleb, could never hurt _me_ , Adam.”

“You don’t know that. What if- what if I get mad at you and- and I lose it? Oh god, what if I did hurt you?”

“You couldn’t.”

“Look at my hands, Adam.” Caleb forced them between himself and Adam, watching as they shook. “Look at all this blood. Most of it isn’t even mine.” He felt sick seeing it himself. His shirt was splattered with it, across his chest, across his sleeves. His bruised and split knuckles only adding to the myriad of colors staining his skin.

“You could never hurt me.”

“Not on purpose.”

“No, not at all.”

“How can you still believe that after what you just saw?”

“Because, Caleb, that’s not who you are. The guy who kisses me the way that you do, who holds me the way you do, the guy who makes me laugh the way you make me laugh – that guy could never hurt me. You’re **that** guy.”

“I wasn’t that guy earlier.”

“You- you had a bad moment.”

“A bad moment?”

“Okay, it’s not the best choice of words I guess, but that’s not who you are. We all make mistakes.”

“Not like this.”

“Okay, yeah, this was- was bad. But you’re not the first good person to do something bad to someone else. It doesn’t mean you’re not a good person anymore.” 

“What if it does?”

“It doesn’t.”

“How do you know? You’ve never hurt anyone.”

“I used to hurt myself, you know.”

“What?” Caleb couldn’t tell where his concern started and where Adam’s sadness begun, the edges of the two colors blurring until there didn’t seem like there were two at all. 

“When things got really bad, I would- well, you know that long scar on my stomach? The one I told you I got from falling off my bike?”

“Yeah.”

“I lied. I- it was- I- I messed up one time. Really badly. Most of the time I- I was careful, you know, just little cuts here and there, but that time I got- I got a bit carried away and, well, I had to go to the hospital.” Adam pulled his knees up to his chest, mirroring the way Caleb had earlier.

“Adam-“

“My parents never looked at me the same way. They made me do, like, like a rehab thing for a few weeks.”

“When- wait, when was this?”

“Two years ago. Over the summer. No one at school knows about it.”

“Adam, I’m so sorry-“

“There’s nothing you could have done.”

“Do you- you don’t still-“

“Sometimes I want to. But after that time, I got too scared to. I- I never wanted to die, that wasn’t the point. And now the therapy’s been helping. Which I have you to thank for, in a way. After we broke up before the summer, when you left, I talked to Dr. Bright a bit and she, well, she kind of convinced me to go. I don’t think she was even really trying to, but that’s when I started going. I asked my parents to find me, you know, like, a normal therapist and it’s been- it’s been good. But if Damien had- well, I’m grateful, I guess. I mean, it’s fucked up, what you did, but I’m grateful.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” 

“Which part?”

“Any of it. All of it. I thought we said no more secrets.”

“I didn’t want you to hate me. Be afraid of me or afraid **for** me or look at me in disgust. I didn’t want it to change the way you thought about me.”

“I would never-“

“No, I know you wouldn’t. Because I don’t think less of you for what you did. I think I understand a little – the need to… to hurt.”

“Adam, it’s not the same-“

“Yeah, I know. I know. But feeling that kind of helplessness, it can drive you to do stuff. And I know that I’m not the empath here but I think I get how you’re feeling right now. I know what it’s like to really **hate** yourself. But it’s not all you are. It’s not all I am either. It doesn’t have to define us. And I love you, no matter what. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere – you can trust me!”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. I trust you. Always.”

“Good. That’s good.” Adam leaned into Caleb’s side, resting his head against Caleb’s shoulder.

“Adam, you’ll tell me if it gets that bad again, right? I don’t want you to deal with that alone. I mean, I’d like to think that I’d know but you’ll just- you’ll just tell me, right?” 

“Yeah, Caleb, I’ll tell you.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean, like you said, you’d probably know anyway. Even if you weren’t an empath, you’d notice if new scars showed up on my body.”

“Okay, first, don’t even joke about that. But no, I meant thank you for being here. For- for loving me despite – for just loving me. Even with everything that’s happened.”

“This is what counts, right? Not just enjoying the good times but sticking through the bad. For better and for worse and all that?”

“Are you proposing to me?” A small glint of golden yellow seemed to come directly from Adam’s smile, filling Caleb up.

“Well I can’t exactly put a ring on a broken finger, can I? Come on, let’s go get you cleaned up.”


	2. A Guy that You'd Kind of be Into

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Adam and Caleb being awkward teenagers dancing around their feeling for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, what do you know- I can write things that aren't 70% quotes, too!  
> I'd like to thank the lovely people from Discord who are just super nice and encouraging - thank you Maika and Armilla, from the very bottom of my heart.
> 
> Forgive me if this is not how awkward "Hey I like you too" conversations would go.  
> Ignorance is bliss, except when you're writing like you know how to do the thing.
> 
> So, this is a prologue kinda deal. (And me, over-utilising the Oxford comma because I don't know how else to do things, apparently)  
> Enjoy!

**_Say there's this person you pass in the hall every day_**  
**_You've known him since seventh grade_**  
**_You're used to thinking about him in a certain way_**  
**_From the persona that he displayed_**  
**_Then something changes, and he changes_**  
...

Caleb all but ran home, his thoughts, his feelings, **everyone's** feelings - everything blurring together as he ran. He could almost see how this would be drawn if he lived in a comic book. Lines streaming from his form in all colors of the rainbow as if they symbolized how fast he was moving, and how conflicted the emotions were in his head. How they mixed together, creating colors that he didn't even have words to describe. 

As soon as he made it home, pushing open the gate with a loud clang as it hit the decorative stones along the pathway in the front garden, he raced to his room, dumping his bag in the doorway. His textbooks spilled across the floor.  _Shit. Shit, shit, fuck!_

"You alright Caleb? You told me you were going to Dr. Bright's - did something happen?" His mother stood in the doorway, watching closely as Caleb started cleaning his room furiously.

"Yeah, 'm fine. Look, I'm sorry, but I just- can you go? Adam's coming over and I-I need to talk to him about-" He trailed off, carding a hand through his short hair before scanning the room once more and starting his hectic movements again.

"Sweetie, look at me for a sec," His mother grabbed his chin, forcing him to stop and take a breath. "What's this about?"

"I- uh- Mom, it's fine. It's just...  _stuff_ , okay?" A blush rose high on Caleb's face. A feeling of curiosity and humor washed over him. "Ugh, Mom, please. I-" Caleb tried to pull away, only to become locked in place by his mother's gaze, "I promise, I will tell you everything. Just... later, okay? Please, he's gonna be here soon."

"Alright Caleb," his mother released her grip on him, instead, pulling him in for a quick hug before poking him in the chest with a finger, "But the door stays  **open** , capisce?" She wasn't kidding, but a smile rested at the corners of her mouth.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Can you please just  _go_?"

The doorbell rang almost instantly.  _Fuuuuck._

His mother went to get the door, leaving Caleb floundering in his room.

 _Do- do I sit? Do I stand? Shit, what the fuck do I do with my **hands**?  _Caleb could hear the door opening, but he seemed trapped in place by his own indecision and anxiety. 

"Adam! So nice to see you, as always. Caleb's in his room, go right on up." 

"Hey." 

"Hi," Caleb was standing in the doorway, having moved there when his mother was speaking, "So, uh- Fuck, why is this so hard?" Caleb turned and dropped to sit on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands.

"That's what she said," Adam deadpanned.

" _Adam_!" Adam tried, and failed, to stifle his laughter, "I'm trying really hard here to talk to you, and you just- Can you cut me some slack here?"

"Sorry, just... nervous, I guess? Never done this before..." Adam trailed off, moving to sit next to Caleb on the bed. "So. You  _like_  me, huh?"

"Shut up, you like me too, remember?" Caleb couldn't help but smile, intertwining his hand with Adam's. It felt  **right**. "How long did you know? That you...  _liked_  me, or whatever?"

"Dude, I've had a crush on you since, like, 7th grade! I just... I never let myself hope that you might like me back, until... Do you remember the day you stopped those guys from harassing me? I think that's- you  _saw_ me, that day. And I hadn't been seen in so long - God, I hadn't seen myself in so long-" he laughed despondently, "and I know now that it was your ability, but still. You saw me and I thought that maybe you might... might feel the same way. But that was stupid, you were straight as far as I knew. And then we started hanging out, and sometimes you'd... move closer or touch me for a moment longer than most people and I- it was hard. Not to hope."

"Adam."

"No, it's fine. Got there in the end, didn't we? Though maybe next time, tell me if what you're feeling's too mixed up. I want to help- more than that, I want to _know_." Caleb stared at Adam, stunned for a moment. "You, uh- Earth to Caleb! I didn't break you did I?"

"No, I just-" He gave Adam's hand a small squeeze, grounding himself, "Can I kiss you? Like, is that... something you want? God, you know what, just-just forget I said anything. It's too soon, I'm sor-" Adam cut him off with a kiss.

"Shut up and just feel, okay?"

He could do that.

_..._

It had been a few weeks since Adam and Caleb had talked about their feelings for each other. Nothing much had changed, really. They still spent most of their time together, playing video games, watching movies, studying, hanging out... Now with a few more distractions.

Okay, a  _lot_ more distractions.

Today was one of those days. They were handed the majority of their assignments back and Adam was stressed out, having not done nearly as well as he'd hoped. Caleb couldn't tell if the stress he was feeling was his or Adam's but now would be a great time for a distraction.

"Did you, uh- did you wanna go make out in the library or something?" Caleb blushed furiously, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Why would you waste time in the library? Dude, we've gotta study!"

"Uh-" Caleb just looked at Adam as he packed his bag full of books- "Ye-yeah. Right."

"I mean, seriously- wait... Oh. Oh." His bag, although undoubtedly heavy, hung loosely in Adam's hands. His glasses had started sliding down his nose and had tilted slightly. Caleb felt adoration and love burst from him, washing away the awkwardness and stress from seconds ago and leaving the incredible urge to either fix his glasses or to kiss Adam until he looked as disheveled and askew as his glasses did. 

"God, you're such a dork."

"Meathead."


End file.
